Dying While Being Reborn

Ahem...anybody here?

I imagine holding a dusting brush while entering a room that once bustled with life befor it gave way to dormant hybernation. A place I once nurtured and nurtured me in return, one where I let my creativity, authenticity, wisdom and thirst to serve others flourish.

One that I had to turn my back on for as long as some seasons of my life demanded selfish focus from me and a few others where all the above listed virtues could not peak through and penetrat the layers of self doubt that would sometimes encompass my psyche. I see a place I need. A place that needs me.

One thing that never eludes me is that Unchaingme is my grand calling. One I would never imagine not answering altogether. Because I have accepted the fact that whenever I abandoned that call, even because the rest of my life got too demanding, life would get even harder. I imagine that could be what Jonah from the Bible was experiencing as he attempted a run (or sail) away from what he ought to be doing.

Yes, a mythical whale would swallow me whole. And it's dark in there, also confusing, also lonley. I would find myslef simply hoping for an exit, whichever end that might end up being. Because I would rather be spat out back to my beginning than linger in that dark, doubtful, confusing and lonley middle-of-my whale.

A brilliant coach I had worked with graced my inbox with one of her masterpiece weekly Newsletters recently. As if through telepathically knowing my being stuck in the stinky gut of the whale of hibernative doubt, she wrote about '7 signs you are on the right track.

Each of the 7 reasonings resonated with me, especially the first, "You feel like you’re dying and being born simultaneously."

Bull's eye! That's me! I thought this journey only meant growing, right? I was doing all the things right, right? So why was the becoming feeling too slow and the dying cyclical? Why was social media an exciting opportunity to reach fellow unchainers and a dreadful place where toxic positivity meets poisonous scynicism and the art and power of coaching seems to be getting stomped all over, all at the same time? Why would I feel deeply the impact I am making through my podcast and working with clients but also convinced I am not doing enough or not doing it well enough? Why do I champion my own power through authenticity yet still feel like an imposter because I could relapse into anxiety and depression? Why do I feel my oscilation between an entrepneur earning her worth to a do-godder whose only hunger is to hold the hands of others as they navigate the journey to Unchaining themselves?

Well, If the obstacle is the way and opposite-end duality is the name of the game, then I am doing it! I am dreaming it, visioning and planning it. I am adapting, switching, adjusting with it. I am parking it, I am reigniting it. I am hating it, I'm lovin it. I am doubting it, yet I am trusting it. I have mastered resilliance, however many times I visit the whale's gut, I always find myself back in the open waters navigating the waves and making my own way forward through my calling. Gracing my time in the Whale with gratitude. For even as I've merely been a passenger in hybernation, I was still going somewhere.

So, anyone out here??